Handwritten

I feel like I'm finally starting to feel the effects of my new tablets and I can't decide if they are gonna be good or bad for me. I certainly feel more stable but not in the best way. I feel constantly a bit dopey and mis without actually being sad, just flat and meh. I feel 'meh' really sums up how I am at the moment. I haven't been as giddy or excitable as I sometimes can be. Granted, I haven't been as catastrophically down but I don't feel normal or happy so I suppose I can only wait and see how these pan out for me.
I have spoken to the mental health people up here and I am now on a waiting list for counselling and self help sessions, this is both terrifying and slightly positive at the same time. I know that I need to go through more talking with professionals but I also know how exhausting and scary it is so it evokes numerous different emotions in me, just going to try and not think about it until I hear from them again as it could be 3-4 weeks.
Still no luck with the job hunt but I'm not losing hope as fast as I thought I might so I'm still powering through lists and applications and what not as much as I can.
I am also beginning to get super impatient because I just want it to be next weekend, I'm celebrating my birthday a bit early so that everyone is around and so that I will be able to devote more time to my mumma's birthday and not mine. This means that next Friday, I get my boy back and my beautiful Billing and we get to have fun times!!:) I can't wait!!

You're Next

I feel I should start this post by saying I am a pretty big horror fan. I always have been and I probably always will be. I totally get why some people don't like it but I am just one of those weirdo's who do. I find them really interesting to analyse at times and I weirdly like being scared and repulsed. I draw the line at the likes of The Human Centipede and really awful torture porn like that but I love clever twists, original scares and some brutality. Since being depressed and what not, I seem to find myself watching more thriller and horror types and I think that is for two reasons: Firstly, I find that being scared and grossed out and all that are emotions that I still actually feel really strongly so I like that I can have powerful feelings from media like I used to be able to without crying. (Emotional cry-y films are the only other ones that really really get to me). I also have a slightly odd tendency to enjoy watching something portray horrible and frightening things in front of my eyes because it is almost a projection of how dismal I'm feeling inside. Now, I'm not saying I feel homicidal or anything like that, but watching traumatic and negative stuff makes me feel a little less lonely in bleak times. Probably not too healthy but oh well.
On to the film: I was pretty excited for this film because I read pretty good things about it online and in Empire; stating that it was clever and innovative in a genre of teen slashers and over the top torture porn. I aslo have a pretty big girl crush on Aussie actress Sharni Vinson so I was pretty excited to see her kick some ass. The film opens pretty dramatically and instantly makes the audience aware that this isn't gonna be a pleasant ride..It then returns to a normal pace, introducing us to Sharni's character Erin who is joining her boyfriend and the family's enormous house in the middle of nowhere to celebrate mum and dad's wedding anniversary. You are quickly brought up to speed on the fact that this family is not quite a happy contented bunch but little do you realise how dysfunctional they are. Resentment goes so deep that an argument at the dinner table is so heated, it takes the family way too long to notice the arrow sticking out of their sister's boyfriend's forehead. From this moment on, chaos reigns and there is no rest for the audience. You are constantly suspicious and on the edge of your seat; I came close to falling off mine I was that tense at one jumpy moment.
I don't want to spoil this for any fellow horror fans but you soon realise that sweet Erin is not quite as innocent as she first seems; taking the lead and fighting back in a situation where most of us would probably just scream and hide in a cupboard and you find yourself wondering why she is so calm. When you find out that this is all because of a paranoid father bringing her up on a 'survivalist camp' in Australia, it makes much more sense. For me, I enjoyed how this kinda linked in with some of the more brutal and tongue in cheek kills of the film as it almost seems like a zombie apocalypse situation of her against the 'baddies' and so any post apocalyptic fans will probably find something to enjoy here.
Overall, I was rather impressed with this one as I was not once bored or disappointed throughout the whole thing. I strongly agree with Empire that Director Adam Wingard is making a real name for himself in the genre.

The Empty Vase

Today I'm feeling really flat.
Not sad.
Not happy.
Just nothing.

I need inspiration of any kind.

Becca.

The Devil Colony

If you read one of my first posts (here) about my favourite and recommended authors, you'll have seen I mentioned James Rollins there. I picked this latest one up at the library last week and had finished it in two days. I just couldn't put it down! Usually you reach a chapter where you think you'll have a break or something but you do not have any of those here! The story begins with Native American Legends and a cave of treasure and you are sucked into this world from the very start. The lines of past, present and future all become very blurred here and alongside the fast pace, Rollins really makes you pay attention if you don't want to get lost. Despite the pace, Rollins' characters do not disappoint, the usual suspects, Painter Crowe, Grey and Monk are all present amongst others and are all fighting a frightening and intriguing threat to the earth from many years before.
I don't want to ruin it because I cannot say enough that you should give this author a go even if it is not this particular book. If you like adventure, you'll like James Rollins.

Becca.

Hint of Pink OOTD

This is another of my bog standard outfits of the day. I wish I could be as stylish as some of the beautiful bloggers I follow, but it just isn't me. I also wish I could sort my camera out sooner and take better photos! This is one of my little ways of trying to brighten up my plain outifts, my fave neon pink bra just peeping out of one of my favourite slouchy tees. I feel it adds a little hint of fun and a well needed colour pop in day to day life. This one of the cooler days this week when I sadly had to dig out my tights for the first time in a while. It did kinda get me in the mood for Autumn though, I am looking forward to muted hues, layers and darker lips. Expect some more fall inspired posts in the near future.

Becca.

Charity Shop Gold!

I felt I had to mention my latest charity shop find. A beaut of a little black dress that is perfect for being dressed up or down and set me back a mere £4! It is totally a new wardrobe favourite! Being desperate to find work, I obviously don't have money to splash around on clothes to blog about for you guys, but little gems like this are what I most enjoy shopping for anyway. It is actually still on the Urban Outfitters website here for £42!! I put a belt around it for Friday night to add a bit of shape but it didn't photograph very well sadly, You get the idea..
It is little finds like this that remind me that trolling through all the crazy things on those charity rails because there are many things worth finding:)

Have you guys found any charity shop gems lately?

Becca.

Monkeying Around.

This Bank Holiday weekend has been a pretty full one by my standards. To some people it probably seems boring but for me, it was rather lovely and down right exhausting. Having been pretty withdrawn recently, I have become very used to my own (and my mums) quiet company which is both nice and probably not too good for me. It makes me all that more anxious when I have to put myself in social situations. Because of this, I often have to really push myself to go places and interact with people. Things that to most people are just a calm evening out, can become quite an ordeal for lil old me. On Friday, I headed to the local pub to watch my old teacher and fantastic bloke, Mr Albiston's band Rambunkshus play. Although this was not gonna be a huge deal or anything, I did find myself getting pretty tense on the way there, but with Mumma by my side, I even went through the door first!! (People close to me will tell you that I avoid going first into places at all costs so this is a big big deal haha). It was a lovely evening, catching up with Richard and and some of the lads from school. I didn't overdo it and was home pretty early but I survived and even had a nice time so Friday was a success. Saturday was mainly job hunting and dress hunting for something to wear for my birthday, all online of course. And then off to Soph's to have my dinner cooked for me; red thai salmon curry is DELICIOUS I can now tell you. It was lovely to catch up with someone so positive and lovely to me. And the beautiful pup Stanley that they are dogsitting definitely made me smile. You know how in Friend's Phoebe loans Joey "the happiest dog in the world" to cheer him up, I feel Stanley could fill this role, he is awesome!:)
Sunday was spent celebrating my Granny's 90th!! We didn't do anything major but it was lovely to see all the family and Maia is crawling now which is so sweet and she is just getting more and more amazing as the days go by!
Monday was also filled with lots of people; first we went to a fun run at the gym that my brother had organised himself in aid of Help For Heroes. It was a fab day! He couldn't have asked for better weather and the turn out was great. Lured by home made cakes and a bbq, loads of people turned up and plenty of money was raised as 100% of the profits went to the charity. I'm really proud of him!
Finally, we topped off the weekend in Jenny's hot tub having afternoon tea and a BBQ. Gorgeous. I am feeling really appreciative for all the people in my life at the moment. Especially people like Sophie and Jenny who never fail to make me smile and I know I can rely on them (and everyone else) whenever I need to.
All of this human interaction is really exhausting when you're not used to it like I am and although it is scary and draining, at the same time, it constantly reminds me of why I have to keep fighting and getting through the darkness and all that rubbish. But for now, I'm going to watch the Bake Off, have a bath and curl up with another book.

I hope you all enjoyed your long weekends.

Becca.

We're The Millers

I have to start this review by saying that I am SO picky when it comes to comedies. I have my all time favourites and I tend to watch them repeatedly because I know they make me happy. I think this is sometimes to do with the fact that there seems to be very little originality left in the genre, despite this, I am willing to give newbies a go if the trailer looks alright.
So, on Sunday night, I found myself heading to see We're The Millers with Soph, I did have some hopes that I would enjoy it but I was also slightly skeptical but armed with my giant buttons, we headed in.
I was mildly surprised, this one had me giggling and laughing out loud on many occasions! Although it is slightly predictable, well, pretty damn predictable, it is really enjoyable. I really love Jason Sudekis and he is absolutely adorable as disastrous Dave the drug dealer with a classic Hollywood character turnaround at the end of the film. The kids are both brilliant with more to their characters than you would originally expect and as for Jennifer Aniston, PHWOAR! What else can I say! I just ADORE her. And that body. Envious doesn't cover it. But she is also as lovely as always bringing warmth to the dysfunctional bunch of individuals as well as adding some stripper spice to the line up:)
If you're in need of a bit of a laugh or a lift, I strongly recommend this one. I think it may be one I'll buy on DVD to whack on when I need a little smile in the future and that is something!

Have you seen this? What do you think?

Becca.

Lately..

Time for another ramble about myself I suppose? Recently I've got a few messages off people reading my blog and it's been really touching to me that people take a few moments of their day to look at my ramblings and show their support. So to all of you, thank you. It's still a bit of a foreign thing to me, but I am really enjoying it and it is quite therapeutic writing it all down.

I went to the doctors on Tuesday and she has started me on a whole new group of anti-depressants, I am on half strength plus my old tablets for a week and then on to full strength of the new ones. I haven't had as many crushing low moods in the last few days but I have had some hideous anxiety. Sometimes it feels as if someone just has hold of my heart and is squeezing tighter and tighter and I can't breath properly and then I get lightheaded and feel sick. Not the most fun ever. Especially when you're merely watching tv and have no reason to feel like that. But I'm surviving. The doctor has also put me in touch with the counselling services up here so I have to speak to them on Thursday to see what help I can get now. As much a the thought of more counselling TERRIFY'S me, I know that in the long run, it has to be a good thing right? I also really want to try CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). I have heard a lot about this and it is supposed to be pretty helpful for people like me. It deals with your thought processes and how to try and control them. Because my depression is all linked to chemical imbalances and what not, it is a very difficult thing to control, it is all in my head. CBT tries to help you identify the thoughts that set you off spiralling into negativity, so for me, all the bad things I think about myself and all the fears and things that start off the crushing darkness. It seeks to take thoughts like this and help you rationalise them and not let them spiral out of control. I accept that there is no guarantee with things like this, but I have reached a point where I would really like to take back a bit of control and see if I am capable of fighting this battle.

As I have been pretty up and down and stuff, I haven't been doing anything too exciting but I still like to try and keep busy so I am not completely giving up. That is where cooking comes in. My mum is a fantastic cook and I have grown up learning her tricks and passion for baking etc. So this week, many homemade foods have been had..

Homemade pizza, dough and all...:) And I am a salad fiend at the moment so had to have some greens with it..

Rustled up my trusty burgers for pa on Wednesday.

Favourite little gadget ever! I love garlic and put it in most things (within reason of course) And this is my dad's version of a garlic press from the German Market's in Manchester. You use the white tube to roll the clove in and the skin comes off. You then drizzle a bit of oil on the 'plate' and rub the clove all over it. The spikey pattern breaks down the clove and you don't waste a single bit and are left with a lovely crushed garlic paste that you brush off with the little brush. Amazing ey!

Is there anything you like to do to keep busy?

Follow me on Bloglovin' here!!:)

Becca.

Puppy Love

I just had to introduce you all to the beautiful George. My cousin's new puppy. He's a 13 week old Cavalier King Charles Spaniel and just TOO cute!! I am a sucker for animals in general, but puppies are just my favourite things!! He is so soft and sweet and smells all puppyish!! Can you tell how much I loved meeting him!:)

Becca.

OOTD/FOTD

I am gonna try and get better at posting outfits and things once I've sorted my camera out (and on days I feel a little more confident) but here is an idea of my general style when I am not wearing my trusty dungaree's.

These are my favourite summer jeans because they're light denim and ripped. They are Animal and I got them from a surf shop last year, they're a bit looser than my usual skinny's but I love the way they hang and they are super comfy. The majority of my tops are plain cotton like this Topshop number, it is actually pretty long but I tucked it in for a change and threw on my favourite River Island polka dot shirt for a bit more cover. The necklace is actually just a random chain I had, with the charm off my Grandad's old pocket watch chain.

As for my usual make up routine, day to day, it is not that exciting. I don't bother with foundation or anything during the day, just a bit of Dr Feel Good by Benefit (a really naturally scented primer type balm), some bronzer and Body Shop Highlighting cream and my face is done. I use Rimmel brow pencil and Gosh brow gel for my eye brows and usually just curl my lashes and put about two coats of mascara on. Here, I also have a bit of eyeliner on because I was obviously feeling fancy. It only takes me about ten minutes for this look because I am far too low maintenance for anything else.

Do you guys have a daily routine? 

Becca.

John Freida Full Repair

The first thing I feel I should say about this product is; if you have slightly damaged or dry hair, buy it!!

Not only does it smell delicious, it really does work wonders! I am lucky enough to have pretty resilient hair, the amount of hell I put it through sometimes, and it still stays pretty good. However, after a bit of a bleaching session like I had last week, the ends are usually pretty dry and it snaps waaay too easily. While I am dying to try the elasticizers that other bloggers rave about, my bank balance just won't allow it. I bought this because I usually love John Freida products and I was hoping it would give my hair the boost it needed. I have used it every time I've washed my hair since (every couple of days or so) and it is almost back to normal! Leave it on for about 5-10 minutes, or over night if you want a real intense treatment and you can really notice a difference. Now my hair has recovered, I'll probably just use it once a week or something to keep it feeling nice.

Have you guys got any conditioning treatments you'd recommend?

Becca.

Bloglovin'

Follow my blog with Bloglovin' here!!:)

Becca.

Alpha Papa

I have been a big fan of Alan for years. I think my brother got me into it, I remember him getting Knowing Me, Knowing You on DVD one Christmas and making us watch it and from then on, I was hooked. I can completely accept that Alan is not for everyone but his sarcasm and stupidity just really make me giggle. I have lost count of how many times I've watched and quoted I'm Alan Partridge, sad but hey!
So when I heard they were doing a movie over a year ago, I couldn't wait! I was really hoping that they didn't over do it or anything.
It was everything I hoped. As I said to my friend afterwards, "sarcasm and shit in a box, what more could you want from a film?"
With appearances from all the legends in I'm Alan Partridge, plus Colm Meaney as Pat Farrell, the cast is brilliant and Alan was his usual self. I don't think I went five minutes without chuckling, it is a feel good film for those who appreciate this kind of comedy.

Becca.

I just want.. I hate...

"I just want to be normal"
"I hate myself"

These are thoughts that seem to be popping up regularly at the moment.
Saturday was a real shitter (pardon my language) for depression. I now have a new understanding of the saying "woke up on the wrong side of the bed". From the moment I woke up, I just felt rubbish. Nobody should have cried that much before lunchtime. And for no particular reason, I was just feeling completely hopeless and I hated it. And then all the usual thoughts come out to play and it's just one big negativity party in my brain. This sucked because I had been really looking forward to Lucy's leaving night out so I tried my best to perk myself up. This included going to see the beautiful Maia which usually never fails, but as soon as we left her sunny little self, I was back in the darkness. I am slightly ashamed to admit that I gave up at this point and took a slightly cowardly way out, I went to bed to hide under the duvet and try to sleep. I think I was hoping I could trick myself into thinking it was a new day and wake up on the right side? It didn't work. But I tried to make myself look and feel pretty and set off to meet the gang at Lucy's. Sometimes a room full of people I love is perfect, it draws my mind away from all the negative stuff and I am just a little bit happy and full of love for a while. I try and avoid alcohol apart from the occasional glass as it is just too good a friend with depression, they are evil cohorts. And so armed with my 4% Toffee Apple Brothers, I thought I might be able to win this battle. It was not too be and before everyone else set off for the night, I had been picked up by mumma and sobbed my way all the way home to my bed. Pathetic really. But I just couldn't face myself at the moment, let alone a loud busy night out, even with the support of my friends. Who, I feel I should add, are fantastic at looking after me in times like this, they know I don't like a fuss but that I do sometimes need a bit of support and encouragement and I really love them for that. I am glad that I managed to see everyone before crumbling but it does make me so frustrated when I miss out on things like that. I forget that really, depression and anxiety is an "illness", you just can't see it so it is much more difficult to understand and everything like that. Incidents like this don't just go away when you wake up either, as much as I wish they would, they completely drain you of all energy and leave you with nothing but negative and scary thoughts. They also have the power to affect life for a while afterwards, I am anxious in any social situation, but having a bit of a breakdown and avoiding things make it worse, and my good friend "what if" comes out again, what if I can't do this or that? what if this is my life forever? what if, what if, what if.... It's my birthday night out in 3 weeks and I am now slightly panicky but trying not to overthink as things will hopefully be different then. I'm off to the doctors tomorrow to see about new tablets so fingers crossed!!!
Sorry, bit of a ramble today. Thanks if you read this far!:)

Becca.

I Love Lucy.

What is there to say about Lucy Trippier? Far too much for one post.
You will struggle to find anyone like this little munchkin, she truly is one of a kind. And I'm not just referring to how utterly "special" she can be at times..
We now have over a decade of friendship behind us and I can't imagine my life without her. Whether it was the time she tangled a comb in her hair and mum had to spend hours cutting it out, the time she got drunk and ate a whole tub of Ben and Jerry's before anyone else got a look in, or my brother's 21st when we had to take her to hospital for cutting her eyebrow open; there really are too many memories..
 She is one of those people who can truly light up a room with her beautiful blonde curls, sparkly blue eyes and cheeky smile. I could not have asked for a better friend over the years and I know the rest of the gang will agree, the next six months will be a little bit emptier without her. But I really do wish you the best on your travels LT, China will not know what's hit it!! Please return in one piece.

Becca.

Summer Fruit.

Sometimes inspiration can come from the smallest of things. And my latest little thing is WATERMELON!! I love the fruit itself, but here are a couple of pictures that have inspired me recently, courtesy of the beautiful Liv Purvis's instagram and Oh My Love London.
I am definitely gonna have a go at making my own shorts and maaaybe painting my nails like so if I'm feeling adventurous.
I like it when little things like this catch my eye and inspire me in some way or another:)
Have any of you been inspired lately? And what by?

Becca.

Olivia's fabulous shorts.

Oh My Love's summer manicure.

Hyperbole and a Half

I was sent the link for this blog by a friend the other day, accompanied by the words "your fish are dead but I still like you". It was so sweet and the blog is really incredible. Another person who is putting into words their personal battle with depression but in a whole new way, illustrations included (and they are brilliant)
I recommend reading it if you want a new insight or if you are struggling to understand it or something, it really is quite eye opening I think.
It also made me realise something that I do think regularly but sometimes forget: when fighting something like depression, it really is important to hold on to the little things that make you laugh. For him, it was a shriveled piece of corn under the fridge. I have moments like this sometimes, some may class them as hysteria but hey, if I'm laughing, it's a good thing. On Monday when I was sobbing away, I was in dire need of some tissue to blow my nose so off I wandered to the bathroom, in the dark I might add. I felt my way down the landing and found a door, believing it to be the bathroom, I opened it and walked straight into a cupboard. Not that hilarious I know, but at that moment in time, yelling to Mitch "I'm in a cupboard" was pure comedy to me and I went from crying to laughing in mere seconds, it still makes me giggle thinking about it now.
So for anyone who is having a bad day or feeling a bit shitty, try and find your piece of corn, walk into a cupboard if need be, but hold on to those little sunny moments that make you smile.

Depression Part Two.

Becca.

Nomad By Fate.

I am now just over a week into my lower tablets and it is really noticeable to me, grrr. My mood swings are shocking and I never know how I'm gonna feel from one hour to the next.
I left Cornwall last Wednesday which was sad, but it was nice to be home, caught up with the brilliant HLord which is always good and then I was off again. This time it was just going to be for a weekend with the boy as he is dogsitting for his uncle in a luuuurvely house in the countryside but I have ended up staying for a week as it has been a really nice break. Don't get me wrong, I am still job hunting and what not, I'm also getting good at this housewife stuff, cooking tea, using the dishwasher, baking, who'd'a'thunk'it! haha. They have to most beautiful oven here, it is designed to look like an aga but is actually a modern fan oven and what not. Yes, I am excited by an oven, I like cooking and am that cool. Anyhow, there is very little signal out here and it is SO quiet so it has been a nice little escape: I play fetch with the three adooorable mutts, read, keep James company while he paints a mural on the wall, I will post photos of that when it is finished as it is beautiful!! Boy got skills:)
The only downside is that the peace and quiet leaves me a little too much time alone with my brain but hey, as much as I hate that, maybe it's a good thing?
Monday was a bit of a difficult day, no particular reason, I was just really down, it was one of those times when depression feels like it is never ending and I feel like giving up. As usual, Mitch is fantastic at letting me cry and then trying his hardest to make me smile, whether it is pointless little jokes, buying me chocolates or just giving me a much needed hug, he really is amazing. So I had a good old breakdown for a while and finally went to sleep. After feeling like that, it can take a while to feel back to normal, it almost becomes a physical illness and you have to do any little thing to make yourself feel better like you would with a cold, so plenty of cups of tea were had. And yesterday Mitch got me chocolate and that definitely helps:)
I'm back off home tomorrow, really looking forward to seeing my mumma again and my brother as he and Chantelle have now had their twenty week scan, yes, I AM GONNA BE AN AUNTIE!! So that is one of the things that I hold on to in times of darkness, a new little Stansfield:) And we're gonna go see Alpha Papa on Friday and I do love a bit of Alan so that will be good.
And Saturday will be spent celebrating Charlotte's birthday and seeing Lucy off in style as she is leaving us to teach in China for six months! So a busy few days, sometimes it's good to focus on things that are coming up because even though they can make me super anxious and things, it means that I can tell myself that I can't give up just yet as I have this to do on this day and so on. A slightly depressing thought in itself, but it keeps me going.
Hope you guys are doing well!! Here are some pictures of my new doggy pals and random things from the last few days..

Becca.

This is Mitch's uncle's zipwire. I had barely been here an hour on Thursday when James told me I was rubbish at it and I should jump more when I set off; I did this. The handle fell off and I fell about ten feet on to my head/back. It could have been a lot worse but I was only winded, maybe slightly concussed, very amused and gutted that we didn't catch it on camera! I was achey for about three days and my hip and bum are now covered in bruises. Mitch now wants to keep me wrapped in cotton wool as he didn't enjoy watching me plummet to the ground, he doesn't seem to realise who he is talking to, i am walking disaster and very much used to these things happening and i usually just find it funny. :)

This is Penny, she is as tall as my waist!! But super cute and a very old lady bless her.

Fred and Pip, the little terrors.