Scarred.

Fighting a losing battle today.

Becca.

Sanctus

Another quick book review for you. I got this book at least a year ago and I've read it a couple of times since, most recently though, I discovered it was actually the first of a trilogy so I re-read it so that I could have a go at the rest. Although it is treading rather familiar territory these days; historical sight, religious secret, quest for truth, murder and passion, you get the gist: it still holds it's own against the rest. Beginning very dramatically and sucking you straight in, you never really get chance to put the book down, you simply need to find out what happens. The secret everyone is fighting for is also something a little bit different than most other books at the moment, it really isn't anything you think it might be. Although the characters don't live up to the standards of people like Karen Rose, they are in no way bad.
If you enjoy quick paced adventure stirred in with some mystery and a lot of passion (by passion I mean people who go beyond merely believing in something, to a point of life or death, not the lovey dovey kind of passion), I would really recommend this one for you.
I shall keep you posted on my thoughts of The Key and The Tower as I read them!

Becca. 

Painting Flowers

A little outfit post for you now. And yes, I have dyed my hair again...
This is what I was on Christmas day, my favourite white t shirt, slightly sheer with a floral pattern, it is just plain enough for the day but with that little added drama.
The black skort was one of my favourite recent finds: I loved the white Zara one that everyone was rocking this summer but never got around to purchasing one. This black piece was a mere £8 on ebay!! The quality is really good for the price and I can tell I am gonna wear it ALOT! I think I may even purchase it in white for good measure. Topped off with some glittery socks and my favourite silver pieces ( a couple new) and I was set. This is an outfit I will wear again and again.

Becca.

Circle Of Life

I'm gonna say now that I can see this being quiiiite a long post, so you have been warned...

Another year is nearly over. How has that happened?! I'm going to do a bit more of a looking back type post in a few days so that's enough of the new year stuff for now.
Firstly, a counselling update: Obviously I haven't seen Nicola for a couple of weeks with it being Christmas, but I am constantly trying to keep up with my thought processes and techniques and everything that she manages to cram in to our little sessions. For a while now, she has had me trying to do what she calls "worry time". It sounds a bit lame I know, but the concept of it is fantastic. I am supposed to take 10 or 15 minutes each day to look back over what has worried me or panicked me; it can be anything from crying over my indecisiveness, fretting about messing up at work, letting someone down in some bizarre way my brain thinks of, to the more serious things of sinking back into a dark hole of depression where the real demons lurk. I have to consider all these things and write them down so that she can look through them and try to find patterns that may reveal the underlying cause of my sometimes crippling anxiety. I have found it more difficult than I originally thought and I can't fully say why. Sometimes I think I am embarrassed of my silly anxieties and sometimes I don't really want to face up to them and writing them down means I am putting it out there; revealing a little bit more of my screwed up self to another human being; scary stuff for something with such a cutesy little name... Another thing that Nicola has started me working on is mindfullness. Again, it sounds a bit simple and hippified; be more mindful blah blah blah. But then she gave me sheets and explained it more and it really struck a chord with me. The concept of mindfullness is being in the here and now; fully appreciating the moment that is the present. It can be the smallest of things like watching the swirly patterns milk makes when you pour it into your daily cuppa or something much larger like appreciating the love in a room filled with family, it doesn't matter what it is, just that you are in the moment with it. I never really realised how little time I spend in the present and why that is. Nicola explained it with the use of a simple diagram and wise words. Anxiety lives in the future; you are constantly fretting about things that have not yet happened, predicting negative outcomes and catastrophesising (if that's the word). Then anxiety's evil friend, depression, he resides in the past, dwelling on negative things and dark feelings, sucking you back into a void it can seem impossible to escape. When suffering from these devils like I do, you spend so much of your time wrapped in the past or the future that you more often than not, forget the here and now. You are on autopilot, completely oblivious to your life at that moment and  all to aware of what has happened or what may happen and that is just no good. Now, being aware of these things is only the first tiny step, it is so easy for me to sit writing this all down now but give it half an hour and without realising it I will be back in all my negative thoughts somewhere in the past or the future and before I know it, the day is gone and I won't get it back. So these are the main things I am to focus on at the moment, locating my worries and taking at least a minute out of my day to be in the moment. Baby steps Becca, baby steps. I have to remind myself that there is no quick fix for mental illness, it is a long, slow battle with myself and all I can hope for is that I can shuffle slowly forward without falling much further back.

 Enough of me for now, it has after all been Christmas; a time for love and those you give it to. A few of you will know that we sadly lost my granny on the 23rd. She was a staggering 90 years old and easily one of the best characters I have ever encountered. She was strong willed to put it mildly and I think that is what made her who she was, she knew exactly what she wanted or believed and she certainly wasn't afraid to say it. But by no means was she horrible or anything like that, she would regularly show her soft side, showing gratitude and respect and little things like that. It is actually really difficult to describe her now I am actually sat here, she was such a character, such an individual that unless you met her, you're probably not going to be able to imagine her. Although she was tiring of life after 90 years and she was still independent in most ways and knew exactly what she wanted until the bitter end. It is knowing that she was ready to go that is the main thing keeping us all strong, she didn't want to become decrepit or a shell of who she used to be and we certainly wouldn't have liked seeing her that way and so after a heart attack on Friday that put her in hospital, she was ready to say goodbye. Although that softens the blow of her passing in some way, it does not make it any less painful. The main thing that hurts me is thinking about my mum: I love her so much, I cannot imagine my life without her at all, she is that constant, that person who I know I always have at the end of the day, she is my mum. And that is what granny was to her. Their relationship may not have been exactly like mine and mums but at the end of the day, your mum is your mum isn't she and I just can't bear to think of how horrid it must be to say goodbye to that person after so long. And so I am upset at losing the only grandparent I've ever known, someone who has done an awful lot for me over the years, I am also upset for mum and how she must be grieving. For every moment I have where I think of Granny and what she would say to a certain event, mum is probably having ten times that and I am just glad I can be here to help if need be. I felt I had to name this post the circle of life because that is what is really happening in our family right now, Granny's life is over but then we have Kate's beautiful little Maia and baby Stansfield who still isn't quite ready to greet us just yet. It is a comforting thought really isn't it. It definitely got us through Christmas, it's impossible not to become wrapped up in Maia's joy, her little giggle and her uncertain little steps, it's just lovely.
And so I shall leave you with the picture we found of Granny and Grandad back in the day. I hope you have all had a lovely festive time surrounded by those you love.


Becca.

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

Being the Tolkien nerds that me and dad are, we were counting the days til the second instalment of the Hobbit trilogy. Safe to say it did not disappoint!! Most reviews plainly stated that it was much better than the first film and I have to say that I agree with them. Although I much enjoyed the Unexpected Journey, it didn't blow my mind as much as I wanted it to. At a run time of nearly three hours, I was kinda thinking I would be getting twitchy and bored by the end but it honestly didn't feel the long, the sign of a real corker in my books. The appearance of Legolas, who does not feature in the book was really great; it added that little familiarity and excitement of the Lord Of The Rings trilogy. Evangeline Lily is incredible as the beautiful and ass-kicking Tauriel, she also provides moments of levity in her love story with Kili, the one handsome dwarf. Steven Fry also deserves mention as a greasy, repulsive Master of Laketown.
Finally, I have to talk about my favourite sequence, the barrels out of the realm of the wood elves. A moment that I always loved in the book that Jackson managed to turn into an extended, action packed fight down the river. Honestly, I don't want to spoil it for anyone who may not have been to see it but my gaawd, it had me on the edge of my seat in excitement!

Have any of you been to see it  it? What did you think?

Becca.

More Than Money

I am so bad at blogging recently, I have so many things to write about, films, therapy, beauty reviews and outfits and yet a combination of work, dark nights and Christmas are just a little bit too overwhelming for me right now and you'll probably find me hiding somewhere bizzare. I feel the stress of life hit a real low point when I cried because the choice of what to eat for lunch just seemed a tad too much for me the other day. Yes, I am 23. No, I didn't decide and so, went hungry. Safe to say, my brain is just a bit frazzled at the moment and I am gonna try and start writing again when I feel I can do so without merely vomiting words on to a page for you to squint at.

Hope you are all having jolly festive times! Less than a week to go! (Still no baby Stansfield. Boo)

Becca.

We learned more from a three minute record, than we ever learned in school..

Just a quick post today as I am too lazy and gross to post any outfit photos or anything.. This week has been rather Christmassy and quite lovely. Jeez, not sounded this positive in a while, don't get me wrong, I still sit and have my dark moments of self loathing but I'm choosing not to focus on them in this post. Counselling is really starting to both take it's toll and start to make me think. It is amazing how she can pull my thoughts apart to form a pattern and an underlying reason (my lack of self worth?) Although it is still tiring and emotional, it is also interesting and feels quite proactive so that's pretty cool. Had a bit more sleep paralysis this week, not so cool, but Patty is quite comforting at times like that!
Saw Jason Orange from Take That on Monday which me and mum got faaar to excited about:) Got my purse back from a Tesco Express in Manchester even though I lost it in September, they'd kept it! And mum slipped on a banana skin which was beyond hilarious for me.
Have you guys had a lovely festive week?

Couldn't resist these nail sticker things because I miss Mitch and his moustache at the moment. Won't lie, they did not apply or last well at all, I did also get the Nail Rock velvet manicure and that has proved quite a success. Post soon.

Fun (and slightly ridiculous) times with Kflan.

Christmas treats courtesy of the lovely lovely Leanne.

Buying catnip has resulted in Joey following me everywhere jonesing for more. 

Little present to myself; Office related of course.

Becca.

Oh, and, how amazing does this film look?!
No Good Reason trailer
Crazy, inspirational folk talking about stuff. Winner.

The Christmas Tag!!

Saw this over on the beautiful Emily's blog and couldn't resist doing it myself so here goes!!

What time of year do you start your Christmas shopping?
Probably like, mid December. Yes, I am that unorganised. I don't have that many to buy and I usually have ideas so I'm all about the last minute online buys.

Do you have any festive recipes for food or drink you limit solely to the Christmas season to share?
Err, probably not, I bake random tasty things all year round! Mum makes things that I associate with Christmas though, obviously, Christmas cake, mince pies, ham, mulled wine. I get well excited by Christmas smells! Haha.

Tell me how Christmas goes down in your home?
Er, I wake up at 8 (that was the time we had to wait til as kids and I still love doing it). Take my stocking into Mum's room and open that in there. Go down and make a cuppa, let Max out and give him and Joey presents. Open ours under the tree and the eat chocolate for breakfast! We then chill until going to my uncle's for Christmas dinner with the family.

Do you have any Christmas traditions?
I don't think we have any major ones but there are just certain little things we have particular attachments to; snow globes from when we were little, a walnut and an orange in our stockings, things like that.

Do you have a favourite festive coffee?
I don't drink coffee and I drink tea all year so nope to this one.

Do you have a favourite Christmas song?
Not really, I love so many, I get mad at anyone who plays them before December though!

What do you do on Christmas Eve?
Have a little mini celebration with dad, working in retail means working at some point to set up the Boxing Day sales. We used to go to Christingle which I loved but they don't do it anymore. Wah. So usually just go to bed. I am that cool.

What's your Christmas wrapping strategy?
Errr, whatever scraps mum has left I usually use haha. But this year I am upping my game, got brown paper, loads of lovely ribbon and I have made tags out of newspaper and card with glitter. They look better than they sound haha.

What's your dream gift this year?
There isn't anything huge I don't think, mum always manages to pick up some little thoughtful things that make me smile and I love that:)

Describe your Christmas tree? How tall? Real or artificial? How is it decorated?
It simply haaaas to be real (smells like Christmas) and taller than me. It is decorated a bit haphazardly but always looks all cheery and lovely in my opinion. We used to have the funniest angel on top, it was SO old but eventually I think her hair fell off?!

Do you decorate just the tree or other area's of your house?
The living room is always the most decorated and then my room but that's about it.

What do you wear on Christmas day?
Usually something I have received as a gift:)

Becca.

Gimme Shelter

You'll have to excuse my outfit post photos as the concept of taking photos of myself is just a bit too much and it shows but I did want to start sharing looks and what not so just bear with me?:)
This is something you will see me in more often than you probably should, short shorts and a giant t shirt. These two items probably make up more than half of my wardrobe and these two are particular favourites.
These are the lighter denim Levi 501's and they are just so soft and comfortable and lovely because I wear them SO often. I did have to size up an inch waist-wise so that I could actually wear them round my waist not my hips (I am abnormally long in the body and legs..) but with a belt, it isn't very noticable.
On to the t shirt; no I will never stop mentioning the fact that I saw the Stones in summer, it was thee best thing ever..(post here). I had to buy this shirt as soon as I saw it but the fit was absolutely horrific. I know this isn't the most flattering fit or whatever but I much prefer it; I just stitched the emblem on to a trusty Fruit of the Loom tee. Paired with my old but still going strong creepers and my new Topshop jumper for warmth, and I'm done.
What do you think?

Becca.

Lady Of The Sea

I feel like I go on about inspiration rather a lot on this blog, but I just can't help it, I am always searching for the little something to perk up my day, make me smile, make me think, just to have any positive effect I suppose. Yesterday that came in the form of the wonderful Seth Lakeman: I posted about a recent performance of his not long ago and yesterday I was on Youtube when I came across his videos of a gig at one of my favourite places ever; The Minack Theatre in Cornwall. The Minack is an outdoor theatre built into the cliffs down at Porthcurno. We have been there so many times to so many performances, from The Three Muskateers to one of the oddest plays ever, The Itch. To be honest though, it doesn't really matter what you are seeing there, it is just a breathtaking place and the performances are sometimes forgotten when a local seal or dolphin decides to make an appearance as the sun sets, creating a backdrop like no other. I don't even know when Seth played there but I can only hope he will do again because I would love to be a part of the audience. Finding this yesterday just put me in better spirits, there was a little spring in my step as I set off in the cold winter sunshine to counselling of all places! I hope this video might give you a little bit of inspiration on this windyyy Thursday..:)

Seth Lakeman - Race To Be King

Becca.

Boohoo #DRESSMAS

I thought I would enter the Christmas outfit competition that Boohoo are running through their instagram, you simply photograph your favourite Christmas look, it doesn't have to be a Boohoo piece; make sure you are following and tag @boohooofficial and #dressmas. Simple.
This is a dress that some of you may have seen before as it is one of my all time favourites. A vintage piece I picked up from Cow about 4 years ago for my pal Billing's 20's themed birthday. At the time, I don't think I had realised what a gem it was but now, I adore it. It is the sort of thing I can always pull out for a slightly posh night out or a wedding or birthday and know I will feel confident (by my standards) in it. I have to team it with a plain black skirt to retain some dignity but otherwise it pretty much speaks for itself. It is pretty heavy for a dress because of all the beading but it is just such a stunning piece isn't it. Teamed with my trusty Topshop shoe boots that make me about 6'5" and also only come out for special occasions, it makes the perfect Christmas outfit for lil ol' me.

What do you think? What would be your Christmas outfit?

Becca.

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

Of course I went to see Catching Fire as soon as it came out. I love the trilogy so much and for once, I feel like the films do the books justice!! A rare statement from me. Jennifer Lawrence is just so perfect isn't she. I wanna be her!! Suzanne Collins creates such a vivid and disturbing dystopia with characters you can't help but develop emotions towards. Catching Fire was everything I wanted it to be and more, the Victory Tour was captivating and emotional, the beginning of the rebellion both invigorating and terrifying even in the audience. When I heard the casting for the victors who were to fight alongside and against Katniss and Peeta, I was slightly unsure but I was totally proved wrong, everyone was amazing!! Sam Clafin could not have been a better Finnick could he!!
I won't lie, I cried, but there's nothing new for me at the cinema hey! (I actually cried before the film even started, the new Walking With Dinosaurs film reminds me far too much of The Land Before Time..)

I cannot wait for Mockingjay to be made and released even if that is a while away.

What did you guys think?

Becca.

Warrior

I have sat staring at this blank page for a few minutes and my brain just cannot conjure up a witty opening so I am just gonna get going; I have started getting a few more shifts at work now which is fun and makes me feel far more productive in life. Makes me avoid thinking about how I am really not doing much and basically am failing at everything. I had a rather stressful and traumatic incident with the doctors just over a week ago, trying to even make an appointment there is never easy but they wouldn't even give me that! Despite being a bit of a let's face it, mess, they would only grant me a phone appointment which was basically me crying and asking for help. I got prescribed sleeping pills and the same antidepressants. Helpful. When I picked up my prescription, they weren't sleeping pills, just more, different antidepressants?! Useless NHS. Anyway, I take them at night and they do seem to be helping, whether it is a placebo effect or not, I have no idea, I didn't really get chance to talk about it on the phone. I have started my new counselling though!! Wahey! I was pretty nervous as counselling has been a pretty gruelling experience in the past, although I do miss my old uni counsellor Helen a lot. The new lady Nicola seems nice though, easy to talk to and productive and positive. It is a slightly different form of counselling in that although they acknowledge the past as a huge part of a person, it is more about trying to find ways to deal with the present through various techniques. It can also link into and lead to the cognitive behavioural therapy I have mentioned before so that's really good too.I am hoping it will be good for me. Yay for positive thoughts.
I have also started exercising regularly again as well. Won't lie, that makes me feel quite proud. I thought I would give the Gillian Michaels 30 Day Shred a go as I kept hearing good things. It is actually pretty good, I'm not trying to follow it too strictly or anything because I don't have a particular goal or weight loss or what not; I just want to feel better in myself, maybe tone up a bit. I usually find any form of work out video beyond cringeworthy but Jillian is relatively painless. It's an intense 20 something minute work out based around the structure of strength, cardio and abs and it has 3 levels. I am still on level one but it's going good. It is perfect for those with a short attention span like myself as you keep moving on different things without it requiring extreme hand eye coordination. I shall keep you posted on my progress. Have you tried anything like this?
How is it December already?! I can't actually believe we have nearly finished another year! I do love the festivities though; family, food, decorations, all that jazz! Also, we are now sooo close to the arrival of baby Stansfield! Yes, the due date isn't until New Years Eve but I think Chantelle is nearly ready to pop so it could be any day now! I am beyond excited to be an auntie!! We had a baby shower on Saturday which was super fun although never in my life did I think I would be sniffing a nappy and trying to guess which chocolate bar had been melted to resemble a turd.... Special times.

Have you guys got any awesome Christmas plans?

Becca.