Hiya Buddy.

This week has been a bit of a funny one really. Started off not that great and Monday Tuesday and Wednesday were very lonely, dark days. For no particular reason my depression reared it's ugly head in a way it hasn't in a long time. I stayed in my pjs, I cried a lot, I just couldn't find any hope. It is so so difficult when for no reason whatsoever, you find yourself wanting to give up but that's how I was. It is suffocating and terrifying to find yourself in such a place. I don't think it is possible to make someone understand such emotions because if you have never felt that way or even if you are feeling positive when you are trying to understand it, it just doesn't seem right. I have been told so many times that people can't understand why I get depressed or what makes me feel so hopeless or anxious or anything like that. But that is partly the problem, there is no reason for depression: It is an illness. I am so grateful for everything I have in my life but there is just something in my brain that overpowers everything else and makes my thought processes go a bit haywire. But when I get as dark as I did this week, I forget even that and turn against myself and think it is all my fault and I shouldn't fell like this etc etc. Feeling like this obviously meant I didn't celebrate new year and I pushed away some of my wonderful pals and for that I'm sorry. I have mentioned this blog before, but I really feel it is something everyone should read; Hyperbole and a Half - Depression Part Two. I try and read this when I am feeling bleak because it reminds me that I'm not alone and I am not wrong in thinking certain things. Today I just want to highlight the part where Alice ponders how to tell "normal" people that she kinda wants to die. It is such a horrible thing to feel like giving up, but to a depressed person, thoughts like this are not as huge or scary as they are to a "normal" person. So how do you tell someone you might do something stupid or you are just feeling particularly full of self loathing? There is no easy way and more often than not, it remains unsaid. Where I'm going with this is that this week I was pretty much feeling like that but as I have never found a way of expressing that, I choose instead to push everyone away; basically, I am trying to apologise to all my lovely friends who text me or tried to get in touch with me and just got it thrown back in their face. In my own way, I was trying to protect you but I realise that it can just come across as me being a moody bitch. I'm sorry and I love you.
Phew, more words came out today than I expected!!
Thankfully, I am now feeling quite a bit more positive!! Mood swings can be so crazy! I applied for a part time job at Pets At Home earlier after being rather rudely dismissed by a writing opportunity I was really interested in, sometimes rejection is good for me because my stubborness makes me want to prove rejection wrong. (Sometimes it can just make me sad.) I would actually quite like to work at a pet shop as we all know I am a sucker for animals! So fingers crossed for that. I have so many reviews and things planned and coming up soon so I hope you enjoy them! For now, here is what my wonderful Roomie Kaye sent me as a belated Christmas gift...

I cannot wait to post about the book as it possibly one of the best inspirational things I have ever seen! And I'll probably do a minion outfit just for fun!:) That girl sure knows how to make me smile.

How are you guys doing? Did you all have lovely new years?

Becca.