Tick Tock..

I have recently become aware of a horrible little anxiety trait that has started to rule my life. I cannot complete even the smallest of tasks without putting a time limit on it or being aware of the time. Now, this is a normal thing for people getting up, going to work etc etc and when in relation to a routine, not really a bad thing. However, I have started timing drinking my tea, having a bath, everything.
"So if this takes me 15 minutes then I have 3 and a half hours until I have to do that so I can do this for an hour and then.." and so on and so on.
It is making more anxious than ever and really starting to exhaust me. I know I said earlier this week that I am trying to draw the positives from anxiety ie. being more aware. But being hyper-sensitive the entire time you are awake is beyond draining. I am having heart palpatations even writing this post because the bath is filling slowly and I don't know how long it will all take. Someone please help me!!

Oh, a positive bit of inspiration I have just found; these absolutely gorgeous photos, they give me butterflies and make me kinda want to cry they are that beautiful.

Becca.

Coriolanus

Last night, I was super excited to go and watch a live streaming of Coriolanus from the Donmar theatre in London. NTLive is a new idea of filming performances so people who cannot attend them can watch them live around the globe. I think it is suuuch a good idea as a lot of people, me included, cannot venture to London to see spectacular shows as often as they may like. Shockingly, all my English studies over the years have not exhausted my love of The Bard. Coriolanus is one of his lesser well known plays but still a great one. The main highlight of this performance though was definitely the fact that Tom Hiddleston was playing the protagonist: He was beautiful and amazing and dramtic and emotive and ohhh my, just fabulous. For those of you not as familiar with this play, it is set in Rome during a time of extreme political unrest. The people both desire and detest the thought of a leader emerging. Caius Martius Coriolanus eventually becomes said leader despite his distaste for the general public. This all bites him on the ass though when he is discovered and exiled leading him to actions that few audiences are predicting and culminating in a climax that leaves a hush throughout theatres (and now cinemas alike).
NTLive are also scheduled to screen War Horse, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nightime and King Lear. I think I will give War Horse a miss as I reaaally want to see it on stage but I definitely want to see King Lear as it is a play I have studied in a lot of depth and it is directed by the incredible talent that is Sam Mendes. I can't wait.

What do you think of this new idea of opening up the theatre to a wider audience? Will you be going to any NTLive screenings?

Becca.

Oh, I also realised just how nerdy I really am when I got crazy excited to see that the guy who plays Dean Thomas in the Harry Potter films was also in this production...

Hiding On The Backstreets

Had counselling again yesterday. Quite productive as it was more about anxiety and I have been a bit on edge and had one panic attack. Nicola talked a lot about accepting anxiety, fighting it can make it so much worse and accepting that I may get anxious but that I will survive is something I need to try and deal with. Although that is far easier said than done, it is something I am going to try and hold on to in serious times of panic. She also made the point that anxiety isn't always a totally bad thing; it makes you more aware which can avoid you doing things you are anxious about and ultimately stop you getting in bad situations or whatever. Another point I am going to try to keep telling myself. I don't think we're going to be dealing with panicking for much longer, I think she wants to move on to my depression. Part of me is glad of this as obviously it is something I really want to get rid of but I am also terrified; talking about depression is so so so emotional and scary and draining but I am fairly certain it is something I need to keep doing. I have another doctors appointment tomorrow (getting an actual appointment is so ridiculous here, they try and pie you off with phone appointments and nurse practioners, when I was at uni, if I wasn't checking in every 2-4 weeks, I was in serious trouble, they seemed to care much more about monitoring me and things than here. Quite scary that even crying to a receptionist about not having seen a doctor in months and worrying that strong medicines aren't working does not spark any response other than "you can have a phone appointment" GRRR. Can you tell it annoys me!!!!) Anyway, I think they're gonna do a medication review and stuff so shall see how it goes.

Here is my comfy outfit of the day; an ensemble you will often find me in, mens shirts and leggings...

Becca.

12 Years A Slave

12 Years A Slave is a a terrifying, harrowing, awe-inspiring film, in a word it is beautiful. Based on the book written by Solomon Northup about his experiences in life from his kidnapping in 1841. Like pretty much everyone, I had high hopes for this film, it has received so many awards and there is so much hype around it that I was prepared for a pretty dramatic experience. In my opinion, it very much deserves everything it has won and more. It is so emotional and I challenge anyone to not be moved by it at some point. Although I have to admit, For the first hour or so, it didn't seem quite as dramatic as I expected, but looking back, from the opening scene, the film struck a chord in me and I was so deeply moved by the story as it came to an end I was almost speechless. The cast as a whole are just amazing, Fassbender never seems to do anything wrong these days, he plays the evil Epps so well, it's ugly, it's frightening and it's truly powerful. Chiwetel Ejiofor is so so wonderful as Solomon, his face is so expressive and his soul so raw, you can't help but become so wrapped up in his story. Everyone in it is fantastic, portraying the world in a really magical way. I said to mum on the way home, I have to remind myself with films like that that it really happened, films are usually so fictional that we allow ourselves to be pulled in as a form of escape from reality. But for these people, this was reality, they were stuck in situations so bad that it is frequently stated that death is better than life for them. I read in one review that years after Solomon's book was published, Epps came forward and said that it was all true. That's terrifying to me. How can people have been treated like that and believed it was okay, that it was just a part of life. Ugh, gives me the shivers.
I just also have to mention the cinematography because that really struck me as well. Steve McQueen creates some of the most beautiful shots I think I have ever seen in a film. Moments of tranquility and beauty in such a terrible time, close ups of Chiwetel that draw the audience in even further than they already were. I just really loved how the movie had been shot and created.
Have any of you seen this? What did you think?

Becca.

#TimeToTalk

Time To Change.

Time to Talk is a charity lead programme aiming to put an end to the stigma of mental illness. Regular readers of my ramblings will know that I quite often talk about the difficulty trying to express yourself to 'normal' people or feeling very misunderstood within society. For some reason, mental illness is something we as humans chose to avoid discussing, whether that is through fear, misunderstanding or merely ignorance, it is wrong. Mental illnesses in whatever form are just as genuine and present in our lives as the common cold and they need to be accepted to be addressed. It is so scary feeling like there is something wrong with you, not knowing how to tell someone that your brain just doesn't seem to be working right. Fear of judgement is something I don't think I can put into words. For so long after being diagnosed with such severe depression and anxiety, I avoided telling anyone other than those really, really close to me. I was terrified of being judged as a weirdo, a loon or just a drama queen. Because there is quite often no visible cause or reason of mental illness, people seem to have a much harder time understanding them. I spent months telling people I wasn't drinking because I was on antibiotics or other bizzare things like that. Thinking about it now, how ridiculous is that?! I was telling such a stupid half truth. Why is it more acceptable to people that I wouldn't be drinking because I had some form of infection rather than the fact that I didn't want to deal with the depressant effect alcohol can have. It's so sad. And it is so hard as a young adult to have to hide such a huge part of who you are. It can have quite a negative effect on a life already plagued by negativity. Although it is still crazily difficult for me to talk about what's going on in my head, accepting that I have an illness is quite a weight off my shoulders. People are aware that there is something wrong, they may not understand it, but it's a start. I only hope that programmes like Time To Talk can continue to spread understanding and hope for anyone who is struggling with a mental illness.

If you have a few spare minutes, please talk a look at the  Time To Change website here and have a look at what it means to people battling their way through life, how you can help or maybe even make a pledge. Even the smallest things can make a difference.

Thank you to any of you who read about my struggles and my triumphs, it really does mean a lot.

Becca.

Bruce Springsteen - High Hopes

Thought I would write a quick post on The Boss's new album as we all know I love him far too much. High Hopes is Bruce and The E Street Bands 18th album! How anyone can continue to produce such incredible original music is just awe inspiring! There are a couple of older tracks on there but ones that haven't been recorded in the studio before, only ever performed live; American Skin (41 Shots) and The Ghost of Tom Joad with Tom Morello of Rage Against The Machine. I was lucky enough to see that version live the other year at Hard Rock Calling and I am SO glad they have recorded it as it is just amaaazing. Totally different to the original acoustic version but equally as great. American Skin is another one of my favourite Bruce songs and this studio version is somehow just as powerful as the live recorded performances. On to the new tracks, my favourites are definitely High Hopes, Frankie Fell In Love and This Is Your Sword. There are so many different genres and tones throughout this album ranging from acoustic and almost bluegrass type stuff (This Is Your Sword), more reminiscent of his Seeger Sessions and then the quieter but equally as moving tracks like The Wall and Dream Baby dream that sound more like Nebraska and The Ghost Of Tom Joad Album. All I can say is in my opinion The Boss has definitely done it again. I have listened to this album SO much already. I cannot wait until they announce another tour!!

Are any of you Bruce fans? What do you think?

Becca.

Just Like Fire Would

I won't write too much today as I am slightly sleep deprived so it will definitely be word vomit. Had a bit of a a nasty panic attack in the middle of the night on Thursday and have struggled sleeping since. My mood has been very up and down again which is frustrating, I crave a happy norm. I am also missing the sunshine so much, please let it be spring soon?
Today is going to be mildly productive, bit of ebaying and tidying but also chilled, and I think we're off to see 12 Years A Slave later which I'm expecting to be emotional but fab so expect a review soon!

Finally, thanks to Primark for this fab Jurassic Park tee!! £6!!:)




Have a lovely Sunday!!

Becca.

T-Rex

Just a simple comfy outfit today; me and Chantelle are taking Robbie to baby massage! Yay. This cardigan is a new favourite of mine, it was an impulse bid on ebay, 99p is just so tempting isn't it! But I won and it is so comfy and lovely. And it brightens up an otherwise pretty boring Levis and vest outfit. I also got some lovely new silver rings which you can see in my t-rex hand photo:) Bit gutted that the one on my right index hand didn't come out that clearly as it is a gorgeous shell set in the silver.

Becca.

Dream Baby Dream.

I feel this picture is appropriate to me today... The last few days have been filled with so many emotions! Saturday saw me feeling pretty low, sort of losing sight of the point of my existence and ending with me holding Patty and crying. Sunday however, was a day full of unavoidable joy; we babysat Maia who is becoming more of a proper little person with her own character every day. She is just so much fun and so lovely, you can't help but smile when she is around. We ended Sunday with a meal with my Aunty Joanne, cousin James and Ben, Chantelle and Robbie. I have always loved Joanne and wish we saw more of her and family but busy lives are a slight hindrance, however, when we get to see them it is always fab. And Robbie, my incredible little nephew, I cannot get enough of him! I usually find babies a bit boring after a while, but I could sit and cuddle him for hours! There have just been a couple of happenings recently that have knocked me, you know when you're not expecting something and it surprises you and in doing so makes it upset you even more, stuff like that. I have however been till trained at work and not had a panic attack! I feel that is a small success. Not had a really pad panic attack in a while, only minor anxiety issues and stuff. Hopefully that doesn't mean life is gonna hit me with a huge incident or anything soon!!

There have been a few people recently that have really kept me going; Heather, she never fails to be a top best pal even when she is all the way in Dundee. My old uni roomies for their constant ramblings and whatsapp and one beautiful evening of pizza, prosecco and giggles on Friday. And Chantelle, who sends me so many lovely texts and support, I can't help but smile. So thanks you fab people.

How are you guys doing? I have a few reviews coming up this week. Including of course, my thoughts on Bruce's latest album High Hopes which if any of you have listened to, you will realise all my post titles are songs off the record as it is all I listen to at the mo:)

Really wish I took more photos whilst in Sheffield with the girls but oh well. There was also a game of outrageous Scrabble but they are definitely too rude to post.

Wouldn't be right without more pictures of Patts, even though she doesn't pose.

Robbie at two weeks a rable.

Just some little pleasures; cosy feet, books and sweets.

Becca.

High Hopes

A quick outfit today. A maxi skirt is a pretty girly piece for me but it was down to £7 in the sale at work so I thought I would give it a go! Teamed with a trusty boyfriend tee and my two tone vans, I still feel fairly comfortable which is nice. Finally, how fab is this necklace! It's actually my mum's but I just had to steal it for today, it was a whole £6 from Primark!! I was very impressed, I think it looks more like an Accessorize piece or something.

What do you think of my attempt to be feminine for a day?:)

Becca.

Oh, and my room is a total state at the moment which is why the pictures aren't great, I need to work on that! Sorryyy.

Brows That!

In the last year, I have really learned to appreciate the difference your eyebrows make to your face and following this, have experimented with the best way to keep them looking pretty. My mum kindly bought me this kit for Christmas and I am actually very impressed! To say it is just a drugstore brand, Seventeen has really hit the nail on the head with this little package.

A really handy large mirror, a mini eyebrow pencil, a dark powder, a wax and a highlighting powder. It also included a handy little instruction slip but naturally, I've lost that. You start by filling in your brows with the pencil, creating the shape you want your brows to be. You then even out the colour with the powder and top it all off with a layer of the dark wax. The highlight goes just underneath on the brow bone to add that extra definition. I'll be honest and say the pencil isn't all that great and it doesn't sharpen well however, I don't always feel the need to use it. The powder and wax create a really beautiful effect. They add definition and shape and obviously a bit of colour without making them look like you have coloured them in with a sharpie. If you are looking to experiment with your brows, I would seriously recommend picking this little set up from your local Boots.

Have you got any stand out brow products? Please let me know your favourites as I am always looking for something new to try!

Becca.

Homework?

My counselling was cancelled today because Nicola isn't well. It's crazy how much I have come to rely on these half hour sessions with her, and I do get a bit scared about having to handle life 'alone' for a bit longer than usual: Anxiety does not react well to sudden changes in plan, it really knocks me off centre when things don't go as I had planned. However, as I won't be able to talk about progress or what I've done this week etc, I thought I would instead share with you some of the things I take away from sessions with Nicola, and things I am supposed to think about when I'm going about my day to day life. It is kind of like being back in education going through CBT, there are constantly things to think about and apply but obviously it feels a lotttt more productive than school because these are things that are going to change my life in the long run.

First up, this is a form anyone with mental health problems such as depression and anxiety will be very familiar with: I have to fill one of these in every time I see a doctor or a counsellor. The scores they take from them are recorded and so they can keep a pretty good record of how the depression and anxiety are affecting my life and me as a person over time. My scores vary a little bit but are usually high enough to be classed as "chronic" or "acute" so not great but hopefully, as life keeps on going, my scores will decrease slowly and one day I won't have to take tablets or seek as much help but that is in the future for now. As I say, this is something that should be familiar to some but is probably very new to a lot of you and so I thought it would be interesting for you guys to have a look at.

These are just some of the sheets and diagrams Nicola has given me over the last few weeks to try and help me in various ways. One of the greatest things about information like this is that it makes me feel less alone and like less of a nutter when I'm at a low point; I mean, people are writing sheets on it so I can't be the only person who gets like that right? Some of these also involve exercises and processes to try and think about and follow when you are struggling or just feeling a bit lost. As you can see, most of these are anxiety based and that is because Nicola has opted to try and tackle my anxiety and worry before tackling the real root of it all; my depression.

Anyway, I hope this was slightly informative for any of you who haven't really encountered mental illness. It's kind of weird letting you into my little world this much so please try not to judge!

Becca.

Baby Lips and Baby Skin

Maybelline's Baby Lips has been a bit of a cult product for a while, but I didn't actually give it a whirl until recently when I also purchased the new primer from the same range, baby skin. The first thing I have to say is that I am really impressed! I wasn't really expecting much but both products are actually pretty damn good. There are a few options when it comes to Baby Lips, with colours tints, SPF and intense moisture, I went for the latter. It is a really good lip balm! It applies smoothly and feels lovely on and after a couple of days using it, I can really notice a difference! Hello lovely smooth lips! A rare thing in this cold weather.
On to Baby skin: A silicone based primer claiming to minimise pores and generally improve the appearance and feel of skin so you can use it alone or under your foundation. Although it doesn't really seem to improve the look of skin quite as much as you might like, I found that it did provide a great base for the rest of my make up. It allowed foundation to glide on smoothly and stay put all day. I know there can be mixed reviews regarding silicone based primers as some find they just form a layer between the skin and the foundation that can actually make applying make up worse but I have yet to have a really bad experience.
If you are looking for an every day product to keep your skin and lips feeling lovely, I would definitely recommend these two!

Have you tried either of these?

Becca.

A Case Of You

This week has been a bit of a funny one, quite a busy one really so it was both nice and a bit exhausting. We finally said a proper farewell to Granny on Thursday which was obviously sad, but it was nice to see all the family and stuff. Maia met Robbie which was adorable, she went to pat him on the head like she does the cat but having not learnt "gently" yet, it was quickly averted. Heather has gone off to Dundee for placement and I have that sad little feeling of losing a limb, knowing she isn't just up the road is rubbish. I cooked for Kflan on Friday which was nice, chilled out wine time is always a winner. Just lots of little things going on like that, I kinda liked it. I have also made a few plans which is good for me, I like having things to look forward to; next weekend I shall be reunited with my wonderful Uni Girls Annie, Soph and Mel! It has been far too long. Tickets booked to cause chaos in ScouseLand with Heather and Catherine, another thing that has been a looong time coming. A hotel break with Mitch which has yet to be booked but will be nice whatever. I remember once reading or hearing something about people with depression and that you should always make sure they have something coming up because it means that if they are feeling suicidal, they won't be able to go through with it as they have something to do first. Totally random and bit grim but sometimes a little bit true! Speaking of my lovely mental issues, last week marked two years since I broke down and asked for help: I can't quite believe it has been that long, part of me feels frustrated and pathetic that I am still so broken but part of me is quite proud that I am at least making progress and at the end of the day, I'm still here and that is definitely a victory. 

I have been on the hunt for a new handbag for quite a while, I don't buy that many bags and I usually only do when I fall head over heels the minute I see it; that means I am gonna use it until it falls apart. This beauty was only £7.50 in a charity shop and I have a feeling it will be around for a looong time:)

I am trying to be good with my skin as all the junk I ate recently is starting to have effects! Don't think I have ever owned so much pink stuff!

Life nearly took a turn for the worst here... But Patty was rescued and is safe and sound in her tank

My Christmas dress won me some prizes at work!! (I have yet to find out what but yay!) I didn't realise it was a competition but it's kinda cool knowing other people in the company have voted for me! I don't really win things so that made me smile.

Robbie is now over a week old and still the cutest little being ever. I don't think I will ever tire of this aunty malarky!

These new additions were my treat to myself. Last year I got the lyrics on my ribs as a milestone a year after everything, this year I got the word Hope but in elvish and an arrow (Sorry Mum and Dad:/). I recently saw a thing that said an arrow has to be pulled backwards to fly forwards so when life is dragging you down it only means it is preparing to launch you into something great. I know it's a bit cheesy and definitely not always true but it is a nice positive reminder for me.

How are you lot all finding January? Not too bleak I hope.


Becca.

New Arrival!!

Just a quick post, I had a few things planned for the blog but the arrival of my beaaautiful little nephew Robbie has distracted me! He was born on Saturday morning weighing 7lbs 5oz and everyone is doing great. It's amazing how much love and joy such a little person can bring about but it is just what the family needed. Still can't quite believe my brother is a dad but he is loving it and Chantelle is a wonderful mum. It's just all so lovely.

Becca.

Redken Extreme Anti Snap

A beauty review for you now: I have read sooo many good things about Redken haircare and I decided it was about time I gave it a whirl. The beautiful Gh0stparties raves about it since she went blonde earlier this year and as I went lighter again just before Christmas, my hair was in need of some TLC. Any of you who have experimented with bleached hair will know that when it's wet, it is a nightmare! It is so weak and brittle that it just snaps off in your hands. Redken Extreme Anti Snap is aimed at these aspects of your hair, claiming to "protect against breakage and split ends". I was so excited when this finally arrived that I hopped in the shower to wash my hair and give it a go. You apply it to towel dried hair and it starts working instantly. Within one use my hair felt stronger and much less brittle. Over time it just gets better and better! I cannot recommend this product for sad hair enough!

Have you tried any Redken products? What would you recommend for some hair TLC?

Becca.

Hiya Buddy.

This week has been a bit of a funny one really. Started off not that great and Monday Tuesday and Wednesday were very lonely, dark days. For no particular reason my depression reared it's ugly head in a way it hasn't in a long time. I stayed in my pjs, I cried a lot, I just couldn't find any hope. It is so so difficult when for no reason whatsoever, you find yourself wanting to give up but that's how I was. It is suffocating and terrifying to find yourself in such a place. I don't think it is possible to make someone understand such emotions because if you have never felt that way or even if you are feeling positive when you are trying to understand it, it just doesn't seem right. I have been told so many times that people can't understand why I get depressed or what makes me feel so hopeless or anxious or anything like that. But that is partly the problem, there is no reason for depression: It is an illness. I am so grateful for everything I have in my life but there is just something in my brain that overpowers everything else and makes my thought processes go a bit haywire. But when I get as dark as I did this week, I forget even that and turn against myself and think it is all my fault and I shouldn't fell like this etc etc. Feeling like this obviously meant I didn't celebrate new year and I pushed away some of my wonderful pals and for that I'm sorry. I have mentioned this blog before, but I really feel it is something everyone should read; Hyperbole and a Half - Depression Part Two. I try and read this when I am feeling bleak because it reminds me that I'm not alone and I am not wrong in thinking certain things. Today I just want to highlight the part where Alice ponders how to tell "normal" people that she kinda wants to die. It is such a horrible thing to feel like giving up, but to a depressed person, thoughts like this are not as huge or scary as they are to a "normal" person. So how do you tell someone you might do something stupid or you are just feeling particularly full of self loathing? There is no easy way and more often than not, it remains unsaid. Where I'm going with this is that this week I was pretty much feeling like that but as I have never found a way of expressing that, I choose instead to push everyone away; basically, I am trying to apologise to all my lovely friends who text me or tried to get in touch with me and just got it thrown back in their face. In my own way, I was trying to protect you but I realise that it can just come across as me being a moody bitch. I'm sorry and I love you.
Phew, more words came out today than I expected!!
Thankfully, I am now feeling quite a bit more positive!! Mood swings can be so crazy! I applied for a part time job at Pets At Home earlier after being rather rudely dismissed by a writing opportunity I was really interested in, sometimes rejection is good for me because my stubborness makes me want to prove rejection wrong. (Sometimes it can just make me sad.) I would actually quite like to work at a pet shop as we all know I am a sucker for animals! So fingers crossed for that. I have so many reviews and things planned and coming up soon so I hope you enjoy them! For now, here is what my wonderful Roomie Kaye sent me as a belated Christmas gift...

I cannot wait to post about the book as it possibly one of the best inspirational things I have ever seen! And I'll probably do a minion outfit just for fun!:) That girl sure knows how to make me smile.

How are you guys doing? Did you all have lovely new years?

Becca.

2013

I did have a super long, rather emotional post planned for my new year thing, but for now, I've left that in my drafts and instead this is gonna be a more photo oriented installment. Another year gone, scary but there's nothing I can do! Instead of talking about the downers of the year, I'm gonna focus on all the really awesome things, big and small, that happened in 2013; I graduated!! I never thought that day would come but it did! I saw my favourite Boss Man for the fourth time; I was also lucky enough to see the one and only Rolling Stones (nope, still not over that). I got to spend another beauuutiful summer with my corns. Mitch has made me smile more times than I can count with memories like days out in London, Patty the hamster, countless lovely meals, more cuddles than a girl could ask for and so much more. So many happy times with ma and pa. Ben and Chantelle got their own house and Baby Stansfield will arrive any day now! Maia continues to be a huge ray of sunshine with her beautiful mischief.   There has been so much!! So to anyone who has made me smile, been there for me, come into my life or been involved in my life at any point in 2013 Thank you, it has been a real corker. And finally this year, I started this blog, I can't really say why I did, it just felt like something worth trying; it has actually become something more than I could have imagined, it is something I really enjoy doing, it is cathartic, it makes me smile, and it gives me something else to focus on. If you'd have said to me this time last year I would be putting some of my deepest thoughts on to a virtual diary for anyone to read, I would have laughed in your face but here I am! So as well as being grateful for all my pals and those closest to me, I am also really grateful for anyone who takes the time to read my ramblings and share my adventure with me; I have received some lovely support from people and so thank you to you for reading this.
I hope 2014 contains as much food, travel, love, friends, music, film, everythingggg...

Becca.