Monday 30 June 2014

Desire

Ever find yourself wanting, longing, needing something you know you can't or shouldn't have. 
Like when you tell yourself you're going to eat healthily and all you want is chocolate. 
I have always been a firm believer that you can't expect people to love you if you don't love yourself: it is selfish to expect others to think positively about you, to support you, to love you and be happy about your being if you don't feel those things about yourself because that isn't fair and it is ultimately pointless because those good feelings are going to waste, being sucked into that black hole of disbelief. 
Today I'm feeling lonely, like I need someone else to verify my being, tell me there is a point to my existence and that I am at least a tiny bit worthy of that existence. That makes me both sad and angry. Sad because at the end of the day I'm a hopeless romantic, my love of films and literature has lead me to have some pretty romanticised views of the world; not just of love and partnerships but of life in general, I like to hope there are happy endings for everyone who deserves and desires them. That when you're feeling lost and hopeless, someone will show up, no que needed; show you that love that you are incapable of showing yourself. It can be quite crushing to realise that life isn't that kind, that poetic and at the end of the day all you have is yourself. Common sense tells me that I am just being emotional (and romantic) and that the black dog attacks when you're at your most vunarable like now. But I can't help but still yearning for just a little bit of hope from someone else because I'm a bit too lost to find it myself. I guess I am more selfish than I care to admit, I desire something I know I don't deserve. But don't we all? 

Becca. 

Thursday 26 June 2014

Because you're worth it?

Recently I can't stop thinking about how you determine your self worth as an individual. 
I've been feeling so overwhelmed and rubbish and just generally bad about myself and that has lead to me feeling really worthless as a human. 
I can't stop thinking about all the wonderful people surrounding me and the lengths to which they go to support me and make me happy. I am so so grateful for this but I truly don't feel I deserve it. 
I know that most, if not all of these feeling are coming from my evil pal depression, but I can't help feeling that I really am a pretty lame excuse for a human, all in all; a failure. 
I know this is all my problem as well, no one else can change the way you view yourself and I guess that is what makes this such a difficult problem. There are so many things in my head telling me I'm worthless and undeserving of all you amazing folk that it really is a challenge to take them on and refocus their energy. 
I guess I just needed to vent a bit and wonder if anyone has any little thoughts that help them feel a little less rubbish and a little more worthy. I think I am in need of some positive vibes as I am running low on them myself. 

And that stupid Loreal (I think it's Loreal) slogan just keeps buzzing around my brain. Followed by every reason I am not worth it. 

Becca

Monday 16 June 2014

.

Feeling a bit down today:
Lost
Overwhelmed 
Useless
Hopeless

That's me. 

Saturday 14 June 2014

I Am Pilgrim

For a couple of months i have been feeling really uninspired when it comes to reading; nothing was drawing me in and making me drop everything until I had turned the final page. This is quite rare for me as I am so often ensconsed in a literary escape and when i find myself uninspired, i really don't like it. Enter Terry Hayes and his thriller I Am Pilgrim. I am currently telling everyone I know that they need to give this a go. From the very first page I was totally hooked. Although, some of the ideas within aren't totally original, Hayes moulds them into new stories and scenarios that genuinely had me gasping with suprise as I was so involved and yet didn't see things coming. Told from the perspective of an old secret agent and linking together small and large events in a novel so gripping, you will want to read it in one sitting.
The cover quotes the Guardian's review, "the only thriller you need to read this year" and it is safe to say, i strongly agree. 

Have any of you read this? Or are there any books you can recommend to keep me inspired? 

Becca

Tuesday 3 June 2014

Hangover Of A Broken Mind

I'm back!!
I know it has been far too long but I definitely needed the head space.
I guess you could say that a few weeks ago, I had a bit of a mini break down. (Yeah, I totally just made that a phrase). I was lower than I had been in a while, I didn't feel like I knew who I was anymore, I was frustrated with everything, I felt like I should be doing more but at the same time I was utterly petrified of everything. Needless to say, all those things in my little broken brain resulted in a pretty messy human. I could barely make sense f myself, let alone try and write words down. It was just too much.
 As usual, my mum and pals were more supportive than I could ever expect them to be in helping me try and sort my brain/life out and here I am.
Firstly, I handed my notice in at Topshop: It had just lost something for me, I was dreading going to work and crying when I came home and that just isn't healthy. I won't go into any more detail as I don't want to seem too unprofessional. The guys I worked with were incredible and I definitely owe them a hell of a lot but it was just time for me to move on.
Following on from that, I am heading back down to Cornwall for the summer looking for work again. And to be reunited with some of my favourites. I am hoping I can find some crazy intense summer hours so I can finally save up some pennies.
All of these emotions and thought processes and everything else lead to me being kind of a zombie. I've spoken before about how having these kind of lapses into a dark place can leave a sort of 'hangover' effect and that has certainly been the case. I felt exhausted and drained for quite a while. So thanks to anyone who put up with me!
The biggest thing to come from the past few weeks is that I guess you could say I mad a huge life goal for myself. I have decided that ultimately, the career I want to work towards is counselling. Probably not that difficult to understand why, I want to work with people who are struggling and help them find their way. Now, I am well aware that that is a very vague career plan, but for me, it's a pretty big deal. I want to sort out my finances so that I can then look at what courses and what path is best for me to take to figure out my future career life. Scary stuff, but it does feel kind of nice to have a goal, no matter how far away it is.
So, that's kinda it.
I am feeling quite inspired again lately, I've started drawing again and actually planning posts and things so hopefully I am back for good.

Oh, and I just got back from a beautiful 11 days in Italy with mum so expect posts on that too!

How are all you guys? What have I missed?

Becca.